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What we think adulting means
There’s this hidden image of what a successful adult should look like. When a person looks and acts a certain way, has a specific type of career, is living in a specific type of house or apartment, and is dating “correctly” or has a specific type of stable partner, we think they are adulting correctly.
There is a point between our early 20’s, when we are “figuring things out,” and a certain age, when we realize we’re adults. And yet, we don’t always feel like it. We think of how adults looked when we were young – they seemed like they had things figured out, and we don’t really feel like this. And yet, by all standards, we are adult women.
So, if we don’t really feel it, we decide to act like it. We decide to do adulting correctly. We look around and see what this means. So, we get a good job, start saving up, pay off our student loans, go out to dinners with friends, we save up to buy a car, and then an apartment, and we start saving for retirement. We are adulting correctly, regardless of whether we feel like adults or not.
When the problem arises
The problem arises when we no longer want to do it anymore. It’s not that we no longer want to be adults, it’s that the little life we’ve created, based on what we think adulting correctly looks like, is no longer making us happy. Maybe it never made us happy, but we were doing what was expected of us, and the praise for doing so, kept us going – at least for a little while.
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When we think that we want to leave all this and forge our own path, our own kind of life, based on a dream that we have, we start to freak out. Whether this dream is to become a writer, painter, baker, investor, start our own business, fashion designer, whatever, we start to freak out.
We freak out for many reasons. We think:
What if it fails?
What if I can’t do it?
Who am I to do it?
I don’t know enough.
Many more self-defeating things…
But the thing that we most often think is, “This isn’t allowed. This isn’t adulting correctly.”
We’ve been mish and mashed into thinking that there is only one way of being an adult. So, if we want to go off and do something completely different, alarm bells start going off in our heads.
We think we will become a social pariah, our family and friends will think we’ve lost our minds, they won’t understand what we’re doing, they’ll think we’re crazy for leaving a stable and respectable job to chase after some dream. It doesn’t matter if the life we’re living right now is making us miserable, at least it’s understandable, and it’s “good enough.”
Often these alarm bells that tell us to stay in line, doing the same thing for years, can keep us miserable.
What I thought adulting meant
Before I decided to become a coach, I thought adulting correctly meant I would live in Toronto, work at a hospital, work a decade or so to pay off my student loans, during which time I would save up to buy an apartment, buy nice clothes at Aritzia, buy books at Indigo, go on a few vacations to the Caribbean, and invest into my retirement. Along the way, I would work my way up, maybe have my own practice eventually, maybe even teach a class. Along the way, maybe I’d have a kid or two.
Honestly, it sounded like a nice life. And yet, it made me panic. It made me feel like I was a size 6 trying to fit into a size 2 and be happy about it. It made me feel like I was a giant trying to fit into a porcupine-sized cage.
What I thought when I wanted to follow my dream
And yet the thought of leaving all of it behind, to follow a dream I had, made me feel irresponsible, like I was doing something taboo, something not allowed.
I thought of all the people in my community and the things that would be thought and said, and repeated at parties. “Such a waste. Yeah she’s doing some coaching thing. What’s that? I don’t know something about talking to people. Oh wow, good luck to her. So she just quit her job? Yup! Woooowwww! What is she going to do now? I doubt she can make that work. How does she even pay her bills?”
All of these things made me want to simply stay, say it is good enough. I should be happy enough. I’m lucky enough.
Why we think a certain way of living is adulting correctly
Why is it that we think like this? What causes us to think there is one way of adulting correctly, and that anything that goes out of these lines is not allowed? That if we veer off this path, we automatically see ourselves alone in a small run-down apartment without friends or money?
It goes back to our childhood and what we learned there.
When we were growing up, we were constantly receiving information about how the world works.
We looked at adults, who, compared to us at that time, seemed wise and all-knowing. We saw them complain about their job, come home tired, have two days off a week, go on a couple of vacations a year, buy a car, buy an apartment, upgrade to a house, pay off the mortgage, buy a car, buy a better car, go for barbeques.
What we’re told
As women we received information about what being a good girl is supposed to be. Be quiet. Be pretty. Don’t cause a scene. Don’t rattle the way things are. Be smart, but not too smart. Reach for the stars, but don’t get too big for your britches. Be happy with what you have, don’t want too much. Don’t be too rich. Just don’t be too much.
We overhear cautionary tales of someone becoming a painter or writer and starving, someone having a breakdown and throwing away their career and future. We overhear about the relative who got too rich and how no one wants to talk to him anymore.
We’re molded and shaped to fit into a specific shape of a “good adult.” When we become adults, those beliefs are still there. And if we are able to fit into them, we get a checkmark.
We’re praised, we’re told we’re doing well, and that we’re impressive.
Giving all this up doesn’t feel like we’re simply following our dream, it feels like we’re physically ripping ourselves out of a defined and set way of living and being. Like we’re physically cutting ourselves out of a system that has become a part of us. And it’s terrifying.
But does that mean that we shouldn’t do it?
Turn around point
Some people may be happy with the adulting correctly version we were told. And that’s great! Hats off to you – you’re doing something I cannot do. And if you’re happy with it, amazing, don’t change!
However, if you feel like you’re just pretending, that you’re trying to mold yourself into something that you’re not, you feel like you’re constantly going to be found out, consider a change.
If you have a dream about how you want your life to look and what you want to do, consider following it.
There is no right way of adulting
There is no right way of adulting correctly, just like there is no right kind of person or right way of being. We’re all different, and trying to fit us all into one specific mold, is crazy. We’re not all made to work in a cubicle, in a 9-5. And if we hate it, we shouldn’t be praised for doing so.
Following our dream, whatever it may be, is definitely scary, but how does living squished into a tiny space you don’t fit for the next 40 years sound?
Personally, I couldn’t last another single day, never mind another 40 years.
Yes, there will be people who will think you’re crazy. But there will also be other people who will think you’re brave. People for whom you will act as an inspiration to follow their own dreams.
How my life changed when I realized this
When I realized that there was no one right way of adulting, that I could do whatever I wanted to do, whether or not people around me thought it was crazy or sane, it was like the iron bars of that porcupine-sized cage burst open, and I finally stretched out my limbs after being in there for over 15 years.
When I started following my dream of being a coach, it didn’t really matter anymore that I wasn’t adulting correctly. I was so busy loving my new life, loving every second of it, and jumping out of bed every morning to do it.
I didn’t even hear whether people thought I was crazy because I was no longer able to hear them. My dream was louder than their negativity. I realized that most people won’t tell you that you’re crazy to your face. So I never got to hear it. Fine by me!
Deciding to make my own definition of what adulting correctly means was the most freeing experience. Deciding to follow my dream and living life on my terms, with my kind of people, was my new definition of adulting correctly.
What about you?
And I’m certainly not anything special. This isn’t something that only I was able to do. Any of us can do it. Sometimes we need a little help, whether it be through books, podcast, articles, or a coach. But we are all able to do it.
And what does it feel like now, following my dream? It feels like walking on clouds, like you’re a size 4, wearing a size 8 and rocking it.
