Imagine this: You’re 9 years old, just came home from school, holding up your recent math test to your parent, excited to show them you’re A, gleefully looking up at them, waiting to hear how proud they are of you.
Instead you hear, “What happened to the plus?” The test is handed back to you and you’re left standing there wondering what happened.
Does this sound familiar?
If you’re a high achieving woman, who has always gotten top marks, has a seemingly successful career, and identifies as Type A, this might be something you grew up with.
What’s interesting, is that even though you were left standing there wondering what happened, a little part of your subconscious learnt exactly what happened: “Unless I get perfect scores, I will not get the praise and love I want from my parent.”
And so trait #1 – perfectionism – is born.
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How we learnt to fear failure
And what happens if we think we will not succeed and we will not get that love and praise? We start to fear failure.
And so trait #2 – fear of failure – is born from that perfectionism.
Related posts:
- The 3 Types of Perfectionist. Which type are you?
- The Surprising Reason Perfectionism is Holding You Back
- 7 Ways to Overcome Perfectionism – and why you should
How fear of failure creates self-doubt
Now as an adult you’re not trying to impress your parents to get the love and praise you want. In fact, you don’t even think that you’re being a perfectionist for the love and praise you get from being one. You just have a feeling of needing to do exceptionally well, perfect in fact, or else “everyone” will know you didn’t do well. You worry that people will judge you, people will think you are not good enough, people will no longer think you are smart.
So you start to doubt yourself – whether you can even accomplish something, whether you are capable. Thoughts start running through your head such as: What makes me think I can do this? I don’t know anything about this topic. I didn’t go to school for this. I’m the kind of person that can pull this off. What if it doesn’t work and then all these people will think I’m not smart?
First question: what people?
Second question: What is this fear and self-doubt holding you back from doing?
What is this fear of failing preventing you from doing?
Is it starting a blog? Starting a podcast? Becoming a life coach? Starting a sewing group? Starting a fiction book club for women? Writing a book? Becoming a cycling teacher? Teaching art history to children or the elderly?
What is it that you really want to do, but when you think of doing, you start to feel very real panic and you start to doubt your capability, because you worry that it will not be perfect, and so you will fail, and then those people again will judge you and think how you are not worth it or capable?
Comment below to share what it is that perfectionism and the resulting fear of failure is holding you back from doing.
Let’s give an example
Maria is a writer at a pharmaceutical marketing company. She finished a graduate degree in genetics. She’s been a high achiever her whole life. Got top marks all throughout school and her university studies.
Everyone around her has always told her how smart she is, how capable, how she has so much energy and always achieves so much. They are impressed by her. She’s perfect.
And Maria works hard. She has always worked hard and she identifies as being a Type A personality. And in fact, she is proud of this, wearing it almost like a badge of worth and honour.
When everything changes
But after all those years of science and study, she is not feeling to happy at her job anymore. She’s just not challenged and full of life and excitement about the future as she once was.
Instead, she has an idea to start a blog about fitness and wellness. She spends her spare time on wellness blogs and YouTube fitness videos. She’s again feeling excited and energized about doing this.
And yet, she’s not moving forward. She thinks: How can I? This isn’t even what I went to school for. I’m not even that fit, how can I talk to others about getting fit? People that I know will tell me that all my hard work was a waste of time since I’m not using it. I don’t know anything about coding – how am I supposed to create a website? I don’t know any thing about starting a business. I’ve never taken a business class in my life, only science classes. What if it’s stupid, or worse isn’t perfect, or even worse what if I totally fail at it and everyone knows and looks at me with pity and disappointment?
So Maria stays stuck at a job she’s no longer excited about or challenged by, all the while dealing with an internal struggle of wanting to move forward and start this wellness and fitness blog she is so passionate about, but terrified about failing at it.
How to overcome self-doubt – and pursue your dream
It certainly doesn’t have to be like this for Maria and it certainly doesn’t have to be like this for you.
1. Unlearn perfectionism:
Just how perfectionism was learnt as a child, it can be unlearnt now as an adult. Check out the article 7 Ways to Overcome Perfectionism – and why you should to get started.
2. Practice doing imperfect things
From all the 7 tactics in the above article, my favourite is #5: start doing imperfect things. It’s such a fun exercise and starts to reframe your thinking using little things.
For example, bake a cake and take it over to a friend’s house. Do a cartwheel in the park. Sing karaoke at a local bar. Post a less than perfect picture of yourself on Instagram. Paint a painting or draw a picture and put it up on your fridge.
Anything that you’re not already incredible at, and then just do it.
The point of this? First you have fun. Second, you realize that even if you don’t do something perfectly, it’s not that big of a deal. People don’t care as much as you think. Even if they do, you start to care a little less.
3. Unlearn fear of failure
Dealing with perfectionism will slowly start to chip away at fear of failure because the two are so linked. For more info on dealing with fear of failure, check out Overcome Fear of Failure and Develop Grit.
I know we can overcome our perfectionism so that we can go out and start that side hustle, take that course, do whatever it is we really want to do!
So let’s get started!
Next steps
Email me or comment below to let me know what it is that you really want to do, but feel stuck because of perfectionism and fear of failure!
I love hearing from you and learning how your journey is going!
